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Even Larry, Bill, and Ron will tell you that the king of “blue collar” comedy is Jeff Foxworthy. I’m sorry for stealing (and rebuilding) your routine, Jeff—and thank you! For My Redneck Friends You Might Be A… If you are a woman (or if you are a man that has a wife, girlfriend, mother, or sister) and you like a guy who says he can “grab pussy” and get away with it because he is famous You might be a schizophrenic If you love, pray to, worship, revere, or even just respect the Prince of Peace but support carpet bombing that not only kills psychotic fanatics but also murders innocent goat herders who don’t even know where America is on a map You might be a schizophrenic If you tell me I can’t talk whatever way I want to talk about the country that gives me free speech You are obviously a schizophrenic If you support unnecessary oil pipelines, or any other ventures proven to poison the water of your fellow citizens, but think that’s OK as long as your personal drinking water is pure You might be a schizophrenic (and a self-centered asshole) If you worship a God that hates the same people you do You are the text-book definition of schizophrenic If you think that using the words Democrat or Republican puts you on the just and moral side of any argument You might be a schizophrenic If you think it is a good idea to spend all your country’s money destroying strangers overseas while your own country’s infrastructure collapses before your very eyes, then either you don’t know what “infrastructure” means or You might be a schizophrenic (and are probably a bit slow-witted too) If you are writing about how life in America has gotten schizophrenic instead of having fun and helping to make things better wherever you can You may be discovering just how contagious schizophrenia can be

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